How did you manage to be so funny and warm and loyal and unbelievably generous? How did you do that with that shadow hanging around? Sometimes you were a little bit out there with your generosity, you would go over the top. I loved that about you. Sometimes you would do crazy shit. I loved that about you too (eventually). Sometimes you would close up and I couldn't find you for weeks. I hated that. I could never understand how it was easier for you to be alone. But then, I suppose I could never really understand what you were going through.
You were so many things to so so many people. This would sometimes really piss me off about you. Why did you run away from us? The ones who really knew you. But of course, sometimes it was probably so much easier for you to not be known. To be far away, where you could control how people saw you, and manage the blackness. You did it incredibly well, for so long. And now all I can think is that every day must have been hell. Were you always pretending it was okay? God, I hope some days were actually okay for you.
From primary school you have been in my world, and since high school you have been my friend. In school you were so naturally beautiful, it was infuriating. You look amazing in every photo I have ever seen of you, and it was effortless. I'm not sure if you ever saw this. Certainly, the guys did, everyone else's boyfriend did. God it was so annoying. You had the power my friend, it used to drive me crazy. Particularly the way you didn't seem to care. What a force you were!
And from high school when you used to be 'moody' somedays, we flowed into university and beyond. It was during those times that I learned you were not moody, you were sick. It was so scary the first time I realised this. I was scared as I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to talk to you about this. I saw the cracks take form, they were so dark and deep and when you would fall into them your whole world slipped away from you, and hung in the balance, just waiting for you to come back.
I have waited for you to come back so many times.
Even so, I don't think I ever thought we would really lose you.
I was selfish. I wanted you to stay and hang on for me. I do not know or understand your pain, and I never have. Even when I came to the hospital, and we talked, and you had somehow managed to hang on - I thought that you would always be here. Even then, when you looked me in the eye and told me you didn't want to. I'm not sure if I really believed you, but I was touched by the balls of your honesty, because I know you never wanted me to see you like that.
And now, with the flick of a button we are in a different phase of our lives, and so many memories are 10 or 20 years old. So much has happened and changed, but in finding out that you are gone, it is as though no time has elapsed. I am right back in your world.
We always said it didn't matter whether we talked or not - we were rock solid and things would maintain themselves. It was only last week that I found myself wondering whether even you and I might have stretched the elastic out a bit too far, and that maybe it was time to let it go again and connect. I wish I called you, maybe I might have thrown a spanner in the works and kept the bitch at bay for a bit longer.
But that's only what I want. It's not what you wanted, I suppose. I hope.
To my beautiful beautiful, complex, wonderful, infuriating, dynamic, hilarious friend - may you now be free of the burdens of your sickness. May you be somewhere at peace, laughing and resting and finally feeling weightless and free of the blackness, maybe for the first time.
I'm sure it is a wonderful feeling for you.
And as for us - we will gather at your funeral and love you in the myriad ways people you have known loved you. Just know that you were incredible.
We miss you and the world will not be the same anymore.
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